I Would Really Like To Be Your Friend
by Msmandijmoore
Summary: While returning home from NY Jay spots an old friend who has been keeping a secret that will change his life forever.
1. Chapter 1

Jay was making a dash for the subway when he suddenly stopped, he thought he saw a face he hadn't seen in years. He focused and yes, she was walking fast but it was definitely Erin Lindsey, she had left without a word eight years earlier, he had tried to get in contact but she changed her number and all messages he gave to Voight were ignored. He contemplated going after her but she was on the other side of the street and he needed to catch the subway or he would miss his flight back to Chicago. He had been in New York for two weeks helping SVU on a case that they finally wrapped the night before. He took one last glance at her retreating figure when he noticed her holding the hand of a little blonde girl who looked about seven or eight.

Voight has never mentioned Erin having a child, maybe it was a friend's little girl and she was babysitting, he thought to himself. He pulled his thoughts together and started back toward the subway, glad to be headed home to his own bed.

"Hey Sarg, got a minute?" Jay asked as he stood nervously in Voight's doorway. Voight looked up from his desk and gave Jay a once over, "Yeah, what's up?" He questioned knowing Jay only came to him about important matters. Jay pushed the door shut behind him and stood behind one of the chairs and leaned against it. "I saw Erin in New York." He stated and watched the older man for any sort of reaction but he was impossible to read.

"And how was that?" Voight wasn't going to give anything away. "I didn't get to talk to her, she was too far away and I needed to catch my flight." He sighed, not knowing how to broach the subject of the little girl he had seen. "Hmm, it's been years since you've asked me about her and you're married, so why the questions now Jay?" He had a feeling he knew where Jay was headed and he was not prepared to deal with this conversation in the middle of the bullpen.

Jay took a deep breath and ran his hands over his face, he started pacing Voight's office. "She was on the other side of the street but I noticed she was holding the hand of a little girl who looked about seven or eight." He looked Voight straight in the eyes daring him to lie. "Is there something you want to ask me?" Voight leaned back in his chair.

"Does Erin have a daughter?" Jay spit it out, nervous of the answer. Voight leaned forward and stared at Jay contemplating if he should tell him. He respected Jay, considered him family and hated what Erin had done and it wasn't his business to tell but he also couldn't lie to him. Voight took a deep breath and opened his desk drawer and pulled out a small photo of a little girl and handed it to Jay, "Was this her?"

Jay looked and the photo, he hadn't seen the girls face but the long blond hair could have easily been her, Jay looked back up at Voight, still begging for the answer to the question he had asked. "Her name is Emma and she's almost eight, she was born six months after Erin left." Voight let the information sink in, not quite giving him the answer but implying it and letting him reach his own conclusion.

Jay looked back at the photo, she was a pretty little girl with bright blonde hair and blue eyes that matched his, he recalled photos on the wall at his dad's house and realized he knew the face staring back at him. "She's mine." He stuttered more a fact than a question.

"Jay, Erin was in a bad place when she left, she didn't want to weigh you down and make you feel like you had to choose or come with her out of obligation." Voight was trying to defend her but Jay couldn't hear him anymore, his anger was quickly taking hold and he was going to explode.

"You've known I've had a daughter this entire time and you, what? Decided I didn't need to know but kept me around out of pity?" Jay was yelling at this point and didn't care if the entire world could hear him. "I was going to propose to her but I found her apartment empty and I never even got a chance to say goodbye, never got any closure whatsoever and now this!."

"Jay, you need to calm down, the entire district can hear you." Voight tried to reason with him but he was too far gone. There was a knock on the door and Hailey pushed it open slightly and poked her head in, "Is everything okay?" Jay spun around and looked at her, he grabbed her hand and pulled her the rest of the way in and slammed the door behind her. "No, nothing is okay. I have a daughter that Hank knew about but decided that his precious Erin's feelings were more important than me knowing about my child." Hailey stared at him in disbelief, "A daughter….with Erin?" Hailey was confused, Erin had been gone for eight years, she looked at Voight for confirmation.

Voight nodded, "Erin asked me not to say anything, I didn't agree with it but she's my daughter and I do what she asks." Jay found his new opportunity to start yelling again, "And how did you feel when you found out that you had a daughter but you missed all of her childhood? You hated it didn't you? But you decided that it was okay to do the exact same thing to me that Bunny did to you. You know, I've always admired you, how you run this unit, how we get stuff done but you, you're selfish and a piece of shit. Fuck you, fuck Erin and fuck this unit!" Jay was screaming as he stormed out of the office, grabbed his jacket, and ran down the stairs.

Hailey looked at Voight and shook her head, "That was pretty selfish and shitty, you know that right." Hank leaned back and thought about what he was going to say, "You don't have kids, you wouldn't understand, why don't you go find Jay and talk him down before he does something stupid that he'll regret later."

Hailey silently walked towards the door, her head was spinning, she turned around, "As his wife, I'm pissed at you and as your employee, I'm disappointed that my sergeant didn't think to take one of his most loyal detective's feelings into consideration on something so important, kind of makes me wonder if you really care at all or are we all just a means to an end for you?" She turned and left without giving him a chance to respond.


	2. Chapter 2

Hailey stood in the doorjamb of her bedroom watching her husband tear their bedroom apart, "Jay, what are you doing?" She moved toward him, laying her hand on his shoulder to try to calm him. "Packing, obviously." He moved from her touch and continued on his mission.

"No, you're not." Jay spun to face her, fire flashing in his eyes, "The hell I'm not, I have a daughter who doesn't know me."

"Showing up and confronting Erin isn't going to help the situation, if anything it will make it worse." She tried to reason with him. Jay stopped and sighed, shaking his head, "Kim, Antonio, and Kev keep in touch with her, do they all know, have they all been lying to me for years?" Hailey moved closer hoping to capture him in a hug, wanting so badly to take the pain and hurt away.

"Even if they knew, it wasn't their place to tell you, you can't be mad at them." She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him as tight as she could but his body was stiff and he pulled away. "Fuck that" he pulled her arms from around him and spun to finish his packing. "They're supposed to have my back, I trusted them with my life."

"Babe, you're upset, you really just need to sleep on this." She sat on the bed next to the suitcase trying to get him to focus on her for a moment. "I don't want you to do something stupid and showing up in New York to harass Erin is stupid."

"I don't know what else to do, she kept my kid from me, I was there, I pulled her out of her dark places, I waited for her to be ready, I trusted her and she left." Jay was at his breaking point, he couldn't hold the emotions in anymore, his eyes were stinging from tears begging to fall.

She reached for his hand and pulled him toward her, "You're going to go to bed and get some sleep and tomorrow we'll try to see if we can get her number and you can call her." Jay stared at her a moment, she had always been able to talk him off a ledge, she knew him better than he knew himself. "I'll go to bed but I'm not promising anything for tomorrow."

She gave him a small smile and stood grabbing his face between her hands, kissing him gently on lips, "Love you."

Jay rolled over squinting at the sunlight intruding through the window, "Hails?" he didn't feel her on her side of the bed. Not hearing a reply, he pulled himself up and padded toward the bathroom, already feeling a headache coming on.

"I wanted to let you sleep" Hailey watched as Jay made his way to the fridge. "Thanks" he kissed her on the temple and sat on the bar stool next to her. "Are you going in today?" She already knew the answer. Jay shook his head confirming, "Voight can go screw himself, plus I think I need to find an attorney."

"I'm going to shower and head in, do you think you can manage alone today?" she grabbed his hand giving it a small squeeze. "I'm good, I'll meet you for lunch if you don't catch a case."

Two hours staring at the computer and Jay was more confused than when he started, the number of Family Law attorney's in Chicago was overwhelming. "Fuck this." He stood and stretched deciding that a run would help clear his mind, he quickly changed and made his way to the door.

He reached for the door handle and there was a knock, he pulled it open wondering who would be knocking in the middle of morning. "Hello?" he saw the back of a woman's head.

"Hey" she spun around to face him, "it's been a while." She tried to play cool with him.

"You have some fucking nerve." He stepped out the door toward her, she backed away slightly, registering the anger in his voice.

"I think we should talk." Jay couldn't help but chuckle at her comment. "Talk? You want to talk now? How about before you just vanished or when you found out you were pregnant or when you had the baby or how about the last eight years of her life? I already told Voight, fuck you and fuck him." Jay stepped back inside the door and attempted to close the door but Erin quickly moved in the way preventing him from shutting it.

"I had my reasons, can we just talk?" she pushed against the door. "Erin do not make me remove you from my door" he warned as he pushed back against her. "Jay, come on, let's just talk and I'll let you meet her."

Jay stopped pushing and let the door swing open, "She's here?" he looked around her, hoping to see the girl. "Not here, but she came with me to Chicago, she's with a friend."

Jay took a deep breath, everything in him was screaming not to trust her but he wanted more than anything to meet his little girl. He moved to the side and gesture for her to come in. "Fine" he conceded.

"How've you been?" Erin sat at counter and watched Jay moved behind the counter distancing himself the best he could. "Why?" he countered not really caring to play nice with her.

Erin stared at him a moment, she knew all her reasons but she also knew her reasons were selfish and they hurt the only person who had really truly loved and cared for her so she decided honesty would hurt the least. "Because I was selfish and you deserved better."

"What'd you tell her about me?" he wasn't sure he even wanted to know the answer.

"She knows you're a cop in Chicago with her papa, she doesn't really ask questions."

"Who else knows about her?" He had his suspicions. "Jay, you can't be mad at them, they all disagreed with me, Kim's begged me a thousand times to tell you." He shook his head, "Who all knows?"

"Everyone but you and Hailey" she looked away from him, she felt guilty that she had put their friends in a position where they had to betray his trust.

"Did you ever stop to think about me in this whole situation? Or how about that little girl, you robbed her of eight years of knowing her dad, how do you think she's going to feel about that when she's old enough to understand?"

"I did what I needed to for me in the moment, then one month turned into four and then a year and before I knew it we're here and I never meant for it to happen, I wanted so badly to pick up the phone a thousand times but I would chicken out scared of you being mad and disappointed in me once again, I even wished someone would rat me out so it would be over with." She could feel the sting of the tears pooling in her eyes.

"You knew I wanted to be a dad, we talked about that and still you kept her from me, she was my only chance and I missed half her childhood. Did Kim tell you Hailey and I can't have kids? You're such besties, I'm sure she did." He rolled his eyes trying his hardest to keep his temper in check with her.

"I'm sorry" she wasn't really sure what else she could say to him. "I want her to know you, she's a lot like you I think." She gave him small smile thinking about how much her daughter looks like him. "She looks just like you."

"She's going to know me, I'm getting an attorney." He crossed his arms across and stepped back from the counter.

"Come on, I think we can work it out without lawyers, how about we all go to lunch?" She begged him, not wanting her life to be spread out in a courtroom and a judge deciding what was best for her child.

"You really want me to forget that you robbed me of my daughter don't you? Am I just supposed be say 'boohoo, poor Erin was in a bad place so she gets a pass?' Well guess what, I'm pissed, more pissed than I've ever been and I'm not that person who follows you around cleaning up your messes anymore."

"What I want is for you to be a part of her life, I know I did wrong and I'm sorry and I'll spend the rest of my life feeling guilty over it but this is what I can do now to try to make it right, so please just meet us for lunch." Her instincts took over and she moved around the island and touched him lightly on the forearm, he flinched, his jaw was set tight, but he didn't pull away.

"I'm bringing Hailey." He shifted his eyes to finally meet hers, daring her to argue with him. "I'm okay with that" he gave him a small smile, "meet us at noon, I'll text you the restaurant." She gave him one last look and headed toward the door.

"When was the last time us three were in the same room?" Hailey wondered out loud as her and Jay sat in front of the burger joint that Erin had chosen. She peeked at her husband and could see the nervousness and stress etched in his face. "She's going to love you" she reassured him.

He gave her a weak smile, "I already love her and I haven't even met her, how is that possible?"

"She's a part of you, that's how and you're a good guy who deserves this." She pulled his hand toward her chest and held onto it for a moment.

"I guess here goes nothing." Pushed the truck door open and headed toward the door that would lead him to his daughter.


	3. Chapter 3

Jay took a deep breath, his hand resting on the door handle willing himself to open it, "I'm not sure I can do this" he whispered softly. He felt Hailey's hand slip into his and he turned and gave her a small smile.

"Just go, you'll be fine" she smiled back and pulled the door open, eliminating the last obstacle between her husband and his daughter.

Jay scanned the restaurant, "Can I help you?" the hostess pulled his attention from the crowd. "We're meeting a woman and little girl, they should be waiting for us." He spotted Erin tucked away in the back pointed in her direction, "Never mind, I see them."

He could feel his heart racing, the closer he got to the tiny blonde head in front of him the more suffocating the room became, he felt like he could vomit or pass out or both. This was a moment he thought he would never have, him and Hailey had tried for a couple years to get pregnant but two years ago they received the news that it wasn't going to happen and they had decided they were okay with that, they resigned themselves to being aunt and uncle to everyone else's kids. He glanced back at Hailey and couldn't discern the emotions on her face, she was impeccable at keeping her emotions hidden, a craft he was envious of.

"Jay" Erin stood, "Hey, Hailey" she smiled widely at them both. Jay nodded his head in her direction his eyes never leaving the little girl he so desperately wanted to meet, "Hi" Hailey gave a small wave, "How've you been?" she wasn't really interested in Erin's response she just wanted the meeting to go smoothly for Jays sake.

"Emma baby, these are my good friends Jay and Hailey, can you say hi?" Erin reached for the little girl's hand and pulled her to stand next to her. Emma offered her hand to Jay, "Hi, I'm Emma" she smiled at him and it was the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, she literally took his breath away.

He dropped down to one knee to greet her at her level, "Hi, Emma, it's very nice to meet you." He took the girls hand and shook it, he could feel the sting from the tears that were falling and he lowered his head and wiped them away hoping she didn't notice. Hailey knelt down next to him, "Hey Emma, that's a really pretty dress" trying to distract her giving Jay time to pull himself together.

"It's my favorite color" Emma grabbed the sides of the dress and started swaying from side to side. "Purple is my favorite color too!" Hailey exclaimed much to the delight of Emma, "I think it might be Jays too." She teased, poking him in the side.

"How about we order?" Erin interrupted pulling Jay's attention to her, "Yeah, let's do that" he stood finally meeting Erin's eyes for the first time since he had arrived. He tried to hold back the pain and anger not wanting to show himself to her but he couldn't, he didn't want to be vulnerable but he knew without a doubt he would fight with everything in him to keep this little girl in his life.

"What's your favorite subject in school?" Jay needed to know everything about his little girl, Emma grabbed a chicken strip and drug it through the ranch dressing, "Recess but Papa says that's not a subject" she rolled her eyes and took a bite. "Do you know my Papa?" she asked through the food in her mouth.

Jay glanced at Erin, "Actually he works in Papa's unit" she interjected before jay could answer. Emma stared at Jay a moment, he could see the tiny wheels turning inside her head as she grabbed a french fry and shoved it in her mouth, "Did you work with my mom?"

"Hailey and I both did" Jay smiled at her. "That's cool, was she always the best cop?"

Erin laughed, "Come on stop talking with food in your mouth, it's gross."

"Yeah, she was always the best and she could kick my butt." He laughed, his eyes meeting Hailey's. "What else do you like to do?"

"I'm pretty good at gymnastics and I like to ride my horse, her name is Watermelon." She giggled, "Bet you can't guess why!"

"Is it because she looks like a watermelon?" he was enjoying the back and forth with her, he could do it all day, "NO! Horses don't look like watermelons! She likes to eat it silly." Jay stared in awe as she bounced around in her seat unable to control the energy flowing from her.

"She never stops moving or talking, she's enough to wear you out" Erin laughed nervously not wanting to upset Jay any more than he already was, she wanted him to have a good time so they could work it out without a judge or lawyers. She knew as soon as the two locked eyes there would be no separating them, it was as if they were both finally whole and it scared her more than anything in her life.

Hailey remained quiet throughout their lunch not wanting to interrupt her husband's moment, a moment she knew she would never have but she wanted so desperately. She watched as he laughed and joked so naturally with this tiny clone of himself, even their mannerisms were similar she noted as a pang of jealousy washed over her. Not jealousy that he was getting something she couldn't have but that Erin got to keep and treasure a piece of the man she loved more than anything in the world. She grabbed his knee under the table and he pulled his gaze to her for a split second and smiled, returning his eyes back to the matching ones across from him just as fast.

"We have to get going, we have to catch a flight back home in a little bit" Erin interrupted the laughing filing the booth, "But mom, I don't want to, I'm having fun and I wanna see Papa" Emma protested. "You have school tomorrow, we have too, you'll see Jay again I promise, he works with Papa remember?"

Emma's mood changed as her face became serious and she concentrated her eyes on Jay as if something had just occurred to her. "Do you know my dad?"


End file.
